In the far flung year of 2013, humanity faced a crisis that threatened to rend asunder the very fabric of our world. Yes, mankind was teetering on the precipice of total annihilation, and yet very few could actually perceive the doom that lurked at our doorstep. Yet this was no ordinary catastrophe, it stalked our species patiently, creeping closer and closer so slowly that we barely perceived the threat until it was almost too late. But what was this terrible harbinger that so threatened the pillars of reality? Prepare yourself for the most Earth-shattering realization of your life...
Humanity had become entirely un-classy.
A shock to the system, I know, but the truth often is. You see, for years the un-classiness had been inching forward a micrometer at a time, crapping up our lives with idiocy like reality TV shows, Juggalos, and those stupid chicken fries Burger King tried to make a thing (STOP TRYING TO MAKE CHICKEN FRIES HAPPEN, IT'S NOT GONNA TO HAPPEN). Now I'll grant you, there were creations that managed to hold the oncoming storm of un-classiness at bay. Wonderful new innovations like:
The Doritos Locos Taco
Bee and Puppycat
and Joseph Gordon Levitt
But none of these were enough. The Earth was still hurtling headlong into a future that consisted of nothing but Twilight movies, people saying 'YOLO' all the time, and Rachel Ray. Fortunately a small, yet dedicated group of truth seekers and visionaries saw the impending doom on the horizon and developed a countermeasure. Yes, these crusaders for class and not being a douche developed a silver bullet to stop the tide of destruction in its tracks forevermore. Enter the most classy thing that this world or any other has ever seen ...
Herein lies the salvation of all mankind. Simply slip this top quality garment over your head and suddenly you'll be classin' up the joint like there's no tomorrow. PBR will turn into a microbrew IPA handcrafted by Belgian monks. That Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger will become a Prime Grade, USDA sirloin steak with horseradish and a nice garlic rub. Best of all, it'll turn any movie or TV show you happen to be watching into the most classy entertainment property of all time ... Die Hard.
Developed by the hard working employees of Matt Frank Enterprises, this shirt may very well be the most important purchase of your entire lifetime.
So don't let humanity slip quietly in the cold, dark arms of mediocrity! Save the world with the Rage Select 'Classy' T-Shirt. Then, years from now, when your ungrateful children ask what you ever did for them, you will have an answer all ready to shut their dumb little mouths ... I SAVED THE WORLD BITCH!